My forming thoughts on Submission and BDSM Relationships

The Role of the Dominant

There is one primary role of the Domme. Control of Her sub. This can be exercised in a many ways coupled to all sorts of techniques from physical control to psychological control and manipulation of Her sub to meet her desires and needs.

Physical control can be via bondage, psychological control can be via goals and rewards underwritten by discipline and punishment. In most D/s relationships the main control of the sub is via sexual control. The Domme's role is to set the agenda and develop the subs capabilities in areas of submission the Domme wishes to explore with Her sub. The sub maybe placed in a position of stress or jeopardy that require concentration and stamina to advance his ability to process pain, pleasure or both. Subs are often ‘edged’ by their Domme to teach orgasm control. Many Dommes enjoy this as they can see the huge conflict that arises in a sub desperate to cum, but more desperate not to fail his Domme.

The Responsibilities of the Dominant

Above all things the Dominant is charged with the highest level of trust that can exist between two people. In the case of a Domme, she may have the trust of multiple subs. This does not dilute Her responsibility for the trust She holds for each sub in Her service. A Domme’s duties, responsibilities and needs vary per Domme and it is a duty of Her sub to ensure full understanding of these. Especially Her needs. There are in my belief many areas of responsibility that are common to all Dommes and are categorised as follows:

1. Trust
   1. Trust is built by creating a safe, secure environment where subs can be trained, pushed and developed as the Domme needs. This allows both to explore outside usual social controls.
2. Articulation
   1. Clearly articulating required behaviours, both in general, and during a scene.
3. Behaviour Modification
   1. Encouraging the sub to do Her will and Service with appropriate levels of reward and punishment to produce the required behaviours.
   2. Training Her sub to accept more of that which the Domme wishes the sub to experience. For example, chastity training as a sexual frustration technique to ensuring the washing and laundry are done to the correct standards.
4. Discipline and Punishment
   
   1. There is a school of thought that if punishment is required, the Dommes discipline is not being respected. i believe this is an over simplification and sometimes subs will transgress due to lack of ability to meet the Dommes's requirements. Further sub training is required to achieve the goals. Punishment should be administered for wilful transgressions or slack standards the sub understood.
5. Respect for the submissive
   1. The Domme should always appreciate the gift of submission and control. This is inextricably linked to Trust. However the Domme should also encourage the sub to experiment with new Scenes ideas that are a natural part of a Dommes creativity.
6. Communication
   1. The Domme should encourage clear communication. It is vital for the Domme to monitor him and ensure he is not trying to over achieve on a task or a Scene that is beyond him just to try and please Her.

The Needs of the Domme

The needs Dommes will be unique but i believe there are some basic needs that all Dommes need servicing. The finer needs are so wide and varied that it is not possible, in this essay at least, to detail all that there could be. As such i will limit this to the wider and most basic needs that my observations suggest Dommes require subs.

Basic Common Needs

1. Respect

a. Subs should maintain a respectful attitude towards their Domme at all times and to all Her friends or Guests. No respect means no D/s relationship can exist.

2. Obedience

a. Compliance with all commands and tasks issued by the Domme as fast as possible by the sub and to the standard the Domme requires. Over delivery is always pleasing!

3. Control

a. Dommes, by their nature need to feel and be in control at all times. This extends to Their environment and all aspects of it. Any part of the environment the sub is involved in will mean the Domme will expect Her control to extend over the sub completely. The Domme may well wish to control Her sub when he is not present and there are methods that can be employed, such as male chastity devices, task setting and even control over how Her sub dresses and appears in public.

4. Recognition and Thanks

a. A Domme needs to know, as part of feeling in control of Her sub, that she is appreciated and the effort that She puts into his domination takes Her time and imagination. She needs to know that Her sub appreciates this effort She makes to help him submit and to explore his submission. However it must not be overlooked that whilst the sub has the comfort and support of his Domme, She has none that is so immediately available as it is to the sub being comforted after his Domme has completed a Scene. The Domme needs to be in control. However a respectful and grateful sub will know how to help his Domme and support Her in special ways. These will be discussed laterin the the roles, responsibilities and needs of a sub.

The Role of the submissive

The primary role of the submissive is to please his Domme. Many secondary roles exist, but pleasing his Domme is overriding.

The key factor to recognise is that the sub’s role is a doormat to be abused without detrimental impact on the D/s relationship. Many subs are articulate, intelligent and thoughtful and that can have a great contribution to the life and pleasures of the Domme.

The sub should appreciate that his Domme may well wish to test him and his limits to develop these to a mutually beneficial and rewarding experience for both. subs should test themselves and help the Domme with high levels of communication. The sub should self monitor to ensure he is not expecting too much of his Domme.

The Responsibilities of the submissive

The sub has many responsibilities:

1. Respect

a. The sub must show respect at all times. This respect EXTENDS beyond the Scene. Respect must always be in the forefront of his mind.

2. Honesty

a. If a sub is given standards of behaviour or tasks to do he must report to his Domme any transgressions he makes. She will determine what course of action to take. The sub will know, because of Trust, he will be dealt with fairly by his Domme.

3. Anticipation of the Domme’s Needs

a. The sub should learn as much about his Domme's specific needs. He should then try his best to anticipate when those needs should be attended to and in what priority.

4. Obedience

a. The sub should obey any instruction given by his Domme. These instructions are not limited to by a Scene, but include all public commands for service in even the most vanilla situations.

5. Acceptance

a. The sub must realise his Domme knows her own mind. She got there because she is capable, able and proven as a person. She does not need advice. Above all She does not need to be questioned. The Domme will ask for assistance or command it when She needs it, or feels it will further extend Her control over Her sub

6. Behaviour

a. The sub must always maintain high levels of good manners and behaviour. he is a representation of his Domme and a direct reflection of Her. Any transgression in behaviour, especially in public would be seen by other Dommes as a failure of Her control over him. No sub should ever embarrass his Domme, he is letting them both down. Especially Her.

Needs of the submissive

The needs of each sub will vary, but i believe that subs across the range of the BDSM world have the following needs:

1. To be submissive

a. The need to release control and be allowed to do things that may seem ‘wrong’. However the fact he has been commanded to do it, or experience it by his Domme means he feels the purity of the experience without the social guilt that maybe judged by the vanilla world.

2. Assurance

a. The sub needs to be encouraged with assurance from his Domme that he is pleasing Her. The sub further needs to feel he is achieving things at a personal and is allowing his Domme to explore Her own desires.

Conclusion

These relationships are complex. They test the sub and the Domme, they require deep levels of communication and Trust. Any of these type of relationships need a lot of effort and determination and can be difficult, but with willing partners they develop very quickly and deeply. my experience has been stimulating and motivating. Pleasing my Domme is a key, major driver. my own pleasure at a physical ejaculation level has changed to that of deriving huge joy from my Dommes pleasures.

My masculinity has been redefined as not about my sex, but my ability to please, and honour my Domme.